On The Set by Kevie “Big Shoes” Bear
Day 1 –
My name is Big Shoes Spacey. As the award-winning actor, KevieBear, I have been hired to appear in a new movie called “Survivor: The Movie” and the editor of the Spacey Gazette has asked me to keep a journal of my adventures filming this movie. No one knows that I am going to be writing an article based on my experiences.
Day 2 –
Today I’m meeting with the producer to discuss why I don’t have the super-deluxe big star trailer with Internet connections, air conditioning and chef that I always have on location.
* Oh, sure! The producer claims that this movie will be a big screen version of the TV series “Survivor” and that means that we will be expected to do our own cooking in the outdoors. I don’t think so! He claims we’re not here as actors, we’re here as “contestants” and we’ll be expected to adlib throughout the entire shoot. He says I’ll be supplied with camping gear. How will I know if I’m supposed to be the winner if there isn’t any script to go by? I don’t have time to worry about that now. I have to unpack my bunny slippers and sunscreen.
Memo to me – Find new agent.
Day 3 – My dogs! I completely forgot my dogs! How do I call home? Someone get me a phone! I dropped my dogs off at doggy day care and then forgot to pick them up on the way to the airport.
*The producer tells me there’s no way to call home because there’s no electricity. How am I going to watch TV without electricity? How are they going to film this debacle if they have no electricity? Do they think I’m stupid?
The set nurse says my burns won’t leave scars. She says next time I shouldn’t stand so close to the propane tank when I fix my breakfast.
Memo to me – Find new manager. Thank older, nicer sister for Band Aids.
Day 4 –
Today we get to look around on our own. Get the lay of the land and all that.
Memo to me – Thank older, nicer sister for the trail mix and wrist compass.
Day 5 –
I’m starting to feel very nervous about this whole thing. Something doesn’t feel right. We’ve been here for 5 days and so far, we haven’t seen the director.
Memo to me – Thank older, nicer sister for bottle of stomach remedy.
Day 6 –
I can’t sleep at night. I feel like I’m being watched. I miss my dogs. I wonder if my mother moved away without telling me?
Finally meet the director. Director claims that getting a certificate for good hygiene in kindergarten does not make me an award winning actor.
Day 7 –
Saw a little lost dog in the bushes this morning. I think I’ll adopt him. Maybe I won’t be so nervous with a little friend to talk to. Tonight I’ll put some food out and see if he’ll come to me.
* Set nurse says that I shouldn’t have any side effects from the monkey bite since I had all my shots.
Memo to me – Thank older, nicer sister for bottle of aspirin. Took a picture of me in some of my new jungle clothes. Some of the other actors were laughing because they say I’m over-dressed, but we’ll see who’s laughing when this is all over. Tomorrow will try to make friends with little monkey. Maybe craft services has some monkey chow.
Week 2 –
Due to matters beyond my control, I have been released from my contract. I have asked the producer to sign a piece of paper absolving me of all blame. He indicated he would sign anything just to get me on that plane tomorrow. He’s really not such a bad guy after all.
Tomorrow the airport and then∼∼ off for my next adventure!