November 16, 2007
Old Vic Theatre
Dear Sir or Madam,
It has been brought to my attention that it has been many months since I last wrote to Mr. Spacey outlining my numerous abilities and inquiring about the possibility of hire. Perhaps I was too hasty. After all, it takes many years of study and practice to attain the heights that Mr. Spacey has reached, and I now realize he may have felt a certain amount of trepidation at the thought of hiring me, a novice, to headline a play at your illustrious theater.
May I just say that while I appreciate this thought, it is painfully obvious to me that he is probably also jealous of my youth, my dashing good looks, and my over-all furriness, and fears the likelihood that my star will outshine his once the audiences get a good look at my astonishing talent. These can be the only reasons that no one at the Old Vic, or even Kevin Spacey himself, have contacted me.
I am willing to give you another chance. I have read on your web site that you have already filled the positions available for the next Spacey play, Speed-the-Plow. Dare I ask, who has ever heard of Jeff Goldblum?
While I have never been fond of farming and personally feel it is irresponsible and potentially dangerous to speed while driving a plow, I am willing to put aside my concerns and offer my services to you. I will need to contact my allergist about having my hay fever prescription refilled before I am able to leave for London. And I must also ask for a leave of absence from my work as an ace reporter so a timely response from you is required. I also require hotel accommodations with room service, a whirlpool tub, complimentary fur steaming and my own driver as I have difficulty seeing over the steering wheel.