April 24, 2005

A foggy day in London town. Here’s world famous writer/actor “Big Shoes” Spacey waiting near the stage door of the Old Vic Theatre in hopes of meeting his idol. The award winning actor Kevin Spacey. As he often does, he talks to himself while he waits.

IKB1 can’t believe I’m here, just minutes away from meeting my favorite actor. I’m so excited. I’ve never seen him in person before. What should I say? What should I do? Did I remember my camera? Where’s my autograph book? Nice poster. …

This wall is a great place for a Spacey doodle. What should I write? I know! KevieBear loves… I’ll draw a heart… KevieBear hearts MOM.

Wow. I must be one hot lookin’ bear in my new hat. Everyone who walks past stares at me. 

It’s probably my new mustache and beard. They must make me stand out. I hope they don’t wash off right away.IKB4 hope no one notices I was having a little bit of fun with some graffiti. What if they do? I should cover that! Where are my crayons?

Why do people keep staring at me as they walk by? Maybe everyone thinks I’m Kevin Spacey. Furry, bald and handsome… we’re so much alike it’s scary.

I thought there’d be more people. Every night since I’ve been here, there has been a small crowd and when I was scoping out the place last night there was an enormous crowd. Lots of excitement. But now it’s just me. Odd really.

Maybe I’m early. Looks like I’m first in line for an autograph. I wonder what would happen if I knocked on the door? Maybe if I jiggle the doorknob, someone will come ask me what I want and I can pretend to be Kevin Spacey…

KevieBear grabs the handle of the door.

What’s that noise? Is there a fire department around here? Don’t they know there’s a play going on? That siren is so loud it sounds like it’s right on top of me. Who is flashing that bright light on me? With the fog and the light, I’m almost blinded!

Officer1Stop right there! So, we have ourselves a burglar.

What?? A burglar? Where? I’m afraid of burglars!

Harrumph. Don’t be a comedian. I’m talking about you. So you think you can just break into a building any time you please, do you?

What?? Oh, hello officer. I’m not breaking in. I’m waiting to get an autograph from my favorite actor, Kevin Spacey. He’s doing a play here. I was just trying the door. 

How stupid do I look?

Not very. I mean… you don’t look stupid. Maybe it’s the clothes.

Don’t think you can fool me. There is no play tonight. The only play being performed here ended last night.

What?? That’s not possible. I’ve been here every night for the past week. I have a bunch of fliers, see? I came all the way from the United States just to get Kevin Spacey’s autograph.  He’s been here every night. He has to be here now.

So, you admit to being a stalker. Attempted breaking and entering, loitering, stalking of a celebrity. Shall we try for another charge?

Look… would a real criminal scratch something on the wall? Something that might identify him?

Vandalism. You Americans. Always think you can come over here and ignore our laws. Well, not on my watch! You’re going to the tower!

The tower? Like in a castle? I love castles. 

Are you daft? You are under arrest!

Under arrest?? You can’t arrest me! Don’t you know who I am?

No. Who are you?

Never mind. How do these things always happen to me. What will my mother say? What happens if the press get hold of this? I’ll be on the cover of every newspaper in the world by morning. Oh no! 

KevieBear starts feeling dizzy as he pictures the headlines in tomorrow’s paper.

KB5

Is that right? How about we stop off at the mental hospital on the way to the jail? When we get to the jail, why don’t you wash that chocolate milk off your face? And take that bag off your head.

That’s my mustache and beard! And that bag is my new hat! How dare you!

~

Tomorrow really *is* another day. As KevieBear looks at the morning paper, he once again talks to himself as he is inclined to do.

I knew it. I just knew it. How do these things happen to me? What if my mother finds out? How will I ever go undercover again? 

And why did that man last night say that my facial hair looks like chocolate milk? It’s a wondrous site to behold. Facial hair is a sign of virility. And my mustache and beard are especially full. He was just jealous.

I hope I can get another job someday so I can repay the bail money my manager had to pay to get me out of jail. Where did Kevin Spacey go? I never got his autograph. I’ll have to think of something else.