July 10, 2007

Dear Mr. Spacey, Kevin, Kev –

Hi! How are you? It’s me. KevieBear. But since we’re buds now, you can call me Big Shoes. All my friends do.

How come I haven’t heard from your people? Were you waiting for my résumé? I don’t actually have one. I haven’t actually been in an actual completed film yet. Problems on the set. You know how that is. And to be honest, I haven’t done live theater either. But I’m loaded with talent! My mother and my agent say they’ve never seen anything like me in Hollywood or on Broadway. I’m a two-time award winner, and although neither of these were in the entertainment field,  my mother says excellence is excellence, no matter what kind it is.

Our lives hold many parallels, you know. Such as, we share the same birthday although there is a vast difference in our ages. But you look fantastic for a man your age. The wrinkles are barely noticeable from a distance. You’ll have to tell me your secret.

When we met at the stage door of the BAT back in May, I’m sure you also felt the artistic connection between us.

What a thrill that was for me as I’m sure it was for you as well. There is a vicious rumor going around the Internet that when I saw you, I screamed “Back Fat! ” in some kind of heat induced delirium, but in reality, anyone who knows me knows that I would never say something like that. I distinctly remember telling you that I had been a follower of your brilliant career for many years, that I was pleased to meet you and then I politely asked if you would please sign my memory book with the message ‘For KevieBear, my #1 fan. All my best, Kev’. Isn’t that how you remember it? I’m just sorry you weren’t able to take the time to sign my book. Perhaps when next we meet?

We barely missed each other at the Old Vic a few years ago. But the police matter has been cleared up and I’m sure I can get a passport with no problem now.

Which brings me to this. I’ve been thinking. Maybe the London stage has my name on it?

I’ve read that you are always willing to take a chance on new talent, and if hiring someone is taking a chance, that new talent is mine.

I would prefer to work with experienced actors who no one has ever heard of. If everyone is new talent or recognizable stars, how would I stand out from the crowd?

I will be needing my own dressing room with a window since sharing makes me dizzy and I’ll need to be able to monitor the crowds waiting for me at the stage door without them seeing me. Does the Old Vic have a Coke machine? I prefer that to Pepsi. Perhaps that can be something added to my contract.

Is it possible to move the matinees to the morning instead of the afternoon? I have to take a long nap after lunch or I’m a real bear (ha ha ha!)  and I go to bed early so evening performances are not something I will want to do.

I’m sure we can work out the details to our mutual satisfaction. You can contact me through my agent Rat Bastard or that woman whose name I can’t remember off hand. You know the one. She buys my sweaters.

Frankly, between you and me,  s-p-a-c-e-y doesn’t even begin to describe the situation.

I look forward to your quick reply.

Your friend in artistry,