Summer 2002

InTheSun

“Big Shoes” KevieBear Spacey is a very busy bear. But sometimes he needs to relax to be inspired. KevieBear finds his greatest inspiration at the Slurp-n-Slide. He can relax and enjoy the sounds of rushing water, have a few drinks and then take a quick trip down the water slide. When the sounds of happy children starts to wear on his nerves, he puts his street clothes back on and grabs his scooter. Now he’s ready to face another day of newspaper deadlines and meetings with his agent, Rat Bastard and his manager, Floanne.

KevieBearWaveKevieBear rides along enjoying the summer day and waving to his many friends. He’s wishing he’d changed into cooler clothing. The heavy sweater enhances his chest hair, but leaves him feeling too warm. So does the wool beret. He’ll change clothes after he meets with Rat Bastard and Floanne. Maybe they have a new movie for him! This could be his lucky day…

What is that sound? KevieBear! Mr. Spacey! Can I have your autograph? Please? I’m your number one fan!

KevieBear can’t quite place the noise.

What was that?? He feels a bump. Surely there can’t be earthquakes in New York City. This city is getting to be too dangerous for a bear to live in.

FlattenedFan

KevieBear! Long time no see!

Hey there, Rat.

Call me Bastard, all my friends do.

I could never use a word like that, Rat. Even if it IS someone’s name. You know I never use that kind of language.

KevieBearAgentHA HA HA! You crazy kid. Get over here and let me tell you about the new project  I have for you.

Am I going to be on Trading Spaces??!

No kid. Something even better. How does this sound  to ya? Survivor: The Movie. This is gonna be big. Big,  I tell you! I grabbed this baby right out from under Brussell Throwe. How would you like to spend 3 months in the jungle?

The jungle? I don’t know, Rat. That sounds dangerous. Is it safe?

Uh, sure kid. Have I ever steered you in the wrong direction?

Well …

Just say yes and I’ll call Mort over at SCP and we’ll get the paperwork started.

SCP? What’s that? I never heard of it. Maybe I should speak with Floanne first. You may be my agent, but she’s my manager. 

Sure kid. Whatever you say. I’ll catch you later.

Bye Rat. Are you sure about this movie?

Who loves ya, baby?

~

Floanne!

Hi sweetie!

I don’t like the sound of that. The only time you call me sweetie is when I’m not going to like what I hear. It’s disconcerting to hear your hard-as-nails manager call you sweetie.

Oh, you silly boy! Did you talk to Rat Bastard about this new movie?

KevieBearSweaterYes, I did. I don’t know about making a movie in the jungle though. And what part am I supposed to be looking at for myself? I know I usually read the script without knowing which character I’m supposed to be, but this time, I think I need to know. Where’s the script? Rat didn’t have it. And who’s the director? For such a big part in a big studio movie, why haven’t I heard of it? And what is SCP? Rat didn’t give me any details. 

It’s not what some small-minded actors would call a big studio film.

An indie film? Great! I’ll get my start doing indie films. There isn’t much money but ..

It’s not quite an indie film either. It’s a big budget movie for a new studio. The only tricky part is that the owner of the studio wants to direct as well as produce. You know how these guys are!

I’ve never heard of SCP before. All I know is, some guy named Mort is supposed to want some papers signed if I do this and I’m leaning towards spending the summer working on some assignments for the Gazette instead.

Perfect! You can write a journal. A daily log on what it’s like filming a movie in the jungle! I’ll sell it to one of the big magazines. Maybe we can even get a coffee table book published so take your camera and see what you can get on film. All you have to do is get over to the Slurp-n-Slide and talk to that Flopper guy.

Flopper guy? MORT FLOPPER?? I went to school with him. He was a jerk! I couldn’t wait to get out of high school to get away from him! And he runs a studio?? I can see him running from the law, the sniveling coward .. NO! NO! IT CAN’T BE. I WON’T DO IT! I WILL NOT MAKE A MOVIE FOR A STUDIO CALLED SNIVELING COWARD PRODUCTIONS! 

You can’t afford to be picky now, KevieBear sweetie. None of the studios will hire you. How am I gonna pay my mortgage on 20% of nothing?

I’m a 2-time award winner. The studios are clamoring for me. My mother told me. She wouldn’t lie to me.

Getting ribbons for good dental hygiene and sweater de-fuzzing are not awards. And another thing… I have 3 words for you. The Snipping News. I told you not to hire on for that, but no, that Rat Bastard knew more about your career than I did. Me, your manager for the last 20 years. Who wants to see a movie about a man who writes a newspaper column about clipping coupons? Nobody, that’s who!

KevieBearBurnBut Floanne, you were on vacation. I didn’t want to bother you. 

I don’t want to hear another word. Get over to the Slurp-n-Slide and talk to Mort. If you’re lucky he’ll have forgotten you from high school. Hold on a minute.  Did you forget to put sunscreen on your bald spot again? Let me see. And who wears a wool sweater in the heat? Do I have to do your thinking for you?

But Floanne …

Get lost .. SWEETIE! ~

~

KevieBear rides off to the Slurp-n-Slide with a sick feeling in his stomach. He’ll never forget Mort Flopper. How can this be happening to him? 

~

With a feeling of dread, KevieBear changes back into the swimwear he had in his backpack from earlier in the day …

“We’re having a heat waaaave. A tropical heat waaaave!”

Where’s that singing coming from? It sounds like someone has had a few too many rum punches already. Oh no! Mort Flopper. And he looks just like he did in high school. Only worse. 

MortFlopperKevieBear Spacey! The Kevster. The Kev-monster! I thought that was you! You haven’t changed a bit. I was just looking at the picture your agent sent over. Never gonna lose that baby fat, are ya, big fella? I can give you the name of my plastic surgeon if you want. A little bit of fat sucked out here and a little nip and tuck there and you’ll be all set.

Mort Flopper. It *is* you. I never expected to see you again in my life. (KevieBear gets the knot in his stomach that he hadn’t felt since he graduated from high school. ) What are you doing in the movie business? I thought you’d be a doctor in your father’s medical practice. That’s what you always said you were going to be. A doctor. Healer of the sick (KevieBear’s feeling a little sick right now and it’s not because of the heat!).

Sick people. What a bunch of whiners. Always calling with complaints. I’m in pain, Dr. Flopper. My kid’s sick, Dr. Flopper. Like I didn’t have problems of my own? Do you think any of them cared that I never had time to get in a round of golf? Do you think they cared? No, they didn’t. So I decided to go into the boob replacement business but all those chicks had boyfriends who were paying for the surgery. What was the point of wasting my time on women who had boyfriends? So I got out of that too. Sold the practice and decided to make movies.

(KevieBear wonders where he can get a boob to replace this guy.) Look Mort .. I don’t think this movie is such a good idea. I mean ..

What? Are you crazy? This movie is gonna make millions. Millions, I tell you. Picture this .. a couple of middle-aged and overweight guys .. that’s where you come in .. and some hot babes in skimpy bathing suits trying to get rid of each other for money! And since this isn’t television, we can have nude mud wrestling and ..

In the jungle? This movie takes place in the jungle. Remember? It’s going to be hot and humid and there will be bugs and I have never had to make a movie that resorted to showing nude young women to sell tickets and I won’t start now. You can find someone else! 

You’re still sore about graduation, aren’t you? Everybody thought that was funny! And what movie have you made? Your agent said this was going to be your big break.

Funny!! You call hiking my shorts while we waited for our diplomas funny?? My mother was there! She wasn’t laughing. Do you remember hearing her laugh?

No, but your dad was. Hahaha!!

KevieBearAttacksYou .. you .. I .. (KevieBear can’t take anymore. He feels like throwing something. A tire! Where can he find a tire?)

Hey! What are you doing? What the … ACK!!

Stand up you coward! I took a lot of crap from you in high school but I’m not going to now. I don’t need your lousy movie. 

Help! Help! The bear’s gone crazy. Help! I’ll sue! You’ll never get a job in this town again. No one in Hollywood will answer your phone calls. You’ll never be able to ..

This isn’t Hollywood, you idiot. It’s New York. (They’re really in New Jersey but the New York State tourism board doesn’t want anyone to know that.) You can’t do anything to me here. 

You’d better have a good lawyer, pal. No one assaults Mort Flopper at the Slurp-n-Slide and gets away with it! You’ll be in jail by tonight if I have anything to say about it. 

~

Later that night, KevieBear is in the shower when he hears the phone ringing.

Ring, ring. Ring, ring.

The phone. Why does it always ring just when you’re in the shower? Maybe I’d better not answer that. What if it’s my lawyer? Mort Flopper isn’t going to go away this easily. 

The answering machine picks up .. Hello .. I can’t come to the phone right now but leave a message after the beep .. BEEP.

KevieBearsMOMKevie, it’s yourrmother. Pick up the phone. Kevie? Pick up. Hello? Pick up. Kevie? Hello, it’s Mom … KevieBear, are you there?! Pick up the phone!

Mom! .. Don’t hang up, I’m getting a towel! 

I guess you’re not home.. again. Have you forgotten that Thursday is the Fourth of July? I want you to come over
Wednesday night to
put some decorations up for me. I need someone to put up some lights in the garden .. 

You want me to put up some lights? I never get to put up any of the lights. Not once at Christmas in all these years. Did my older, balder brother have more important things to do this year? Like get a job? Don’t hang up Mom, I’m coming!. 

Your brother bought me some new lights and he needs someone to hold the ladder. He’s such a good boy. 

KevieBearShowerHa! I could tell her stories.

But you’re my baby bear, aren’t you? Don’t tell your brother and sister I said this, but you’re mom’s very favorite punkin. Bye. 

Don’t hang up, mom! I’m here .. darn. She hung up. I wanted to tell her about Mort Flopper. Oh well, I guess there’s plenty of time for that another day. I forgot to turn off the water! This has been a horrible day. I’d curse if I was that kind of bear.

KevieBearLightsIt’s Wednesday evening, July 3, 2002. KevieBear is at his mother’s home. He’s been sent outside to help his older, balder brother Growler hang some party lights for the next day’s Fourth of July celebrations. It’s tough being the baby bear of the family, even when you’re a grown up 2-time award winning bear.

~

Mother! Mom! .. You’re gonna get it you big jerk .. I’m not some kid anymore. Just wait until I get down from here .. You’re going in my book, pal!  Mooooooooom!

KevieBear’s brother laughs as he walks back to the house.

July 4, 2002

Boy, I love this day! It’s my favorite holiday of the year. The food, the flags, the fireworks, the parades… who could ask for more? I have my picnic food, my swim trunks in case someone opens the fire hydrants, and my keviebearpatriotbaseball and bat in case someone wants to play baseball. I feel great! I’ll call my mother later and apologize for what I said while I was swinging on the house. 

I must be looking pretty good. Everyone’s staring at me. It must be my new sweater that brings out the warmth of my soft brown eyes. I’ve been told that red is my color. I’m the most adorable .. I don’t feel so good. Man, is it hot. Maybe I should have worn my t-shirt and some shorts instead of this sweater that makes me look even taller than I am .. whew .. why is the street moving? I should have brought some water with me.  I .. water .. hot .. ohhhhh…..

To be continued