Poll #22: Left click/Right click, Kevin learns the computer.

Kevin recently decided it was time to embrace modern technology and drag himself into the twentieth century. Much to his surprise, it was actually the twenty-first century, but being the kind of man who doesn’t sweat the small stuff, he asked his mother to drive him to a computer store so he could buy himself a computer. Once they got to the store, Mom suggested he also buy a copy of E-mail For Dummies Who Expect Mom To Drive Them Everywhere Even Though They Have Their Own Car, but Kevin couldn’t seem to find a copy, so he bought a combination scanner/printer/cup holder instead. Now he’s got open boxes scattered all over his living room and he’s got one little problem ….

He got a really bad paper cut opening the first box and it really hurts! 19
He didn’t know you have to PAY for AOL! 79
He should have spent a little extra and bought a monitor. 38
He wonders if left click means stage left or regular left. 36
The mouse keeps trying to run away. 31
Turns out the cup holder was really for DVDs and now his cup is stuck. 32
If he Googles does that mean he can’t Yahoo? 36
Maybe trying to scan Mini wasn’t such a good idea after all. Neither was watching the bright light go back and forth. 39
What was that password again? Iamastudly1 .. no, maybe it was Uenvyme2 .. no ..
baldiesmakebetterluvrs .. no that wasn’t it. 41
Passwords, screen names, user IDs, booting, saving, refresh, reload, restart .. Kevin’s sweet bald head is spinning. 48
Wait a minute! I don’t believe for a second that Mr. “What’s an e-mail?” is a computer virgin. Who’s he trying to kid? 76
He’s also having a problem with:

He’s having more fun with the bubble wrap the computer came in…

Searching for home. Finding how to shut off the computer. Making the printer work and getting the paper to thread through. Putting his computer desk together when Mini plays in all of the boxes. Getting on the Internet to send his first email to me. Both of his dogs are under his computer desk getting all of the cords unplugged and he loses all his saved programs.

He’s wondering why it’s called QuickTime when it takes so long to load.

The files…someone said they’re in the computer…but he’s taken it apart, and he can’t find any manilla folders!

If only he could figure out how to download Napster.

How to change his wallpaper. That’s why he grabbed the yellow paper and phoned an Interior Decorator!

He can’t think of the addy for the K-PAX website.

He wonders if there’s anything wrong with scanning magazine photos of himself.

He got a shock when he stuck a knife into the printer to un-jam the paper. He kinda liked those flashes of light behind his eyes. Groovy man!

Finding the good porn sites!

downloading the script I wrote for him…d*** it Kev, buy the Downloading for Dummies already!

What the h*** is a “hard” drive?!

his floppy disk driver…snerk!

he put too much pressure on his joystick and…;D

He wonders why they call them chat rooms when all you do is load, sign in, re-load, sign in again, load again, curse at the computer and then reboot the whole thing.

He’s trying to figure out how to use the spell check button.

e-mailing me. I’ve been waiting for ages for him to reply!!!

He’s found out that he’s addicted to http://www.drivingmrspacey.com and loves taking the polls!

Finding the “V” on the keyboard to type Vincennes.  Why are all the letters out of order?

finding a chatroom that’s discussing hair pieces.

trying to find the slot where the 8-tracks go. He loves his “Bread”!! 🙂

spam – like everyone else…but then he is Prot…

You mean that slot in the front isn’t a cigar holder?… oh shi…..

how do u turn it on!

understanding what the difference is between DVD-ROM and CD-ROM.

Why does he keep getting emails offering him cheap Viagra without a prescription? The doctor told him his information would be confidential.

He was leaning down to plug n’ play and his hair got caught in the cd drawer. And so it goes.

He can’t seem to delete those pesky gambling ads that keep popping up!!!

Legacy and Mini keep ordering Russell Crowe items off E-bay!

His Mom had to show him how to play games online, but he got frustrated when he couldn’t beat her on space invaders.

getting my Email right.

He freaks out when ever that annoying buzzing sound comes on and runs away and hides, thinking the computer is about to explode. He never gets any farther then that.

Log on to your computer, Kevin, there are many interesting things to look up in the websites…..been there..have fun…..

marrying me

You making him sound stupid (Er, okay. But these are supposed to be funny jokes, not an indicator of Kevin’s intelligence.)

finding time to be on one.